I have been feeling so productive and enthusiastic while going though every drawer and cupboard and closet we have (which is not that many, honestly). I want to write that it was like all this anxiety was tangled in my mind since Avalon’s birth and Maddie’s diagnosis, and every piece of clothing and rug and tupperware container I gave away helped untangle it and set it free. But I’m not sure that’s 100% true. Some of it is still there.
Avalon has an ear infection. She’s not been herself for what seems like weeks and sometimes I start worrying again that she’ll grow up to despise me and that I’m really no good at this motherhood thing.
This morning I took her to swim class and later when I was on the phone making a follow up appointment with the pediatrician’s office, the RN said, “Well you didn’t dunk her under water did you? and I said, “A bunch.”
But in the evening there was a podcast about a mom who lives on a storybook farm and cusses more than me. There was a trafficless drive and an end parking space. There was a whistling man vacuuming waiting room carpets, a receptionist named Ruby with lipstick that matched her name and a good doctor who said Avalon’s ears looked like they were never infected at all.
Sometimes my mind seems to be muttering ‘you can heal yourself’ over and over. So I skate my mini-ramp and give away shirts that will look better on someone else. I don’t hold as tightly to things anymore.
All the cards I got for my birthday and Mother’s Day said nice things like how much I’ve grown as a person this year. I try to hang on to those thoughts when the other part of my mind seems to be muttering ‘you suck.‘ 🙂
+Thoughts like ‘making a home is about slow growth’ from this book by Erin Boyle.
+Wooden Whale Toy (Avalon has been taking apart that shelf on the daily, so I re-did it with pretty things we like to look at that are fine for her to play with).