I’ve kind of been having one of those weeks where when people ask “How are you doing?” and I say “Good!”, I know I’m lying through my teeth. What exactly the problem is, I can’t really be sure. For two days I had a tummy ache and was convinced, in the bottom of my mind, that I had bladder cancer even though most signs pointed to nothing. I also had this horrible dream the other night that I had to go to a new doctor and that I left my shoes in her office. Then, when I went back to get them, she told me I had breast cancer because I had been wearing a nursing bra. I just stammered and asked “Why didn’t anyone tell me not to?” Then, my friends picked me up and as we were driving away, I realized I still didn’t have my shoes on. “Luckily” Avalon woke me from this nightmare at 4 a.m. with teething issues… developmental milestone waking… (?).
I love her so much it actually hurts. Not like in a “bladder cancer” kind of way, but in this heartbreaking way that makes me almost scared. I just hope when I kiss and hug her she can feel how deep this love is, even if she doesn’t know how to understand it yet, even if I don’t know how to understand it yet; even if sometimes I feel like I’m not enough for her.
We took our Christmas card photo the other day. It was about as tedious as I remember it being when I was little: taking hundreds of photos in the bright sun so that everyone can look good in different shots. But I’m so glad we did it. Scott actually lugged our Christmas tree down 106 stairs to the beach, but I think he’s glad we did it too.
This morning I saw this quote…
“The more I understand the mind and the human experience, the more I begin to suspect there is no such thing as unhappiness; there is only ungratefulness”
I’ve been thinking all day that I might agree. So even though things don’t feel easy right now, and even though I feel like I’ve said or typed or longed for it six hundred times, I feel gratefulness for what I have even if it’s different than I expected.