Today you have diaper rash. It makes you wake up in the middle of your naps and cry actual tears. Sometimes that makes me cry actual tears too. This parenting thing is way harder than I thought it would be and I thought it would be hard. When I get overwhelmed, I just watch your body rise and fall with each quick breath and think about how nice it is to witness you living your life. We wanted you so badly. I also think about random things like how much harder it would be if you were part of a set of triplets or if we were Jewish and you were born during the Holocaust while we had to be in hiding, fearing for our lives every time you cried. It makes me feel lucky that all we’re dealing with at the moment is sleep deprivation and irritated skin.
You are two weeks old today. You are calmed when I hold you (for the most part). Your birth story spanned three days, so each Monday afternoon we’ve had together I think about how I called your dad at work to tell him I was having contractions and he didn’t answer. Then I had to call your Aunt Danielle to find him in the halls of our family business. I believe I jokingly said, “Can you find him and then kick him in the face!” On Tuesday afternoons I think about how on the Tuesday before you were born my water broke in the middle of a summer thunder storm. I was talking to your Nonnie on the phone and exclaimed “Wait, hold on! I’m involuntarily peeing on the couch!” before I realized what was actually happening. No one ever says childbirth is funny, but parts of yours are to me.
I let you sleep diaper free today to help heal things. I have been sitting next to your bassinet armed with a wet wash cloth so I can clean you off quickly. We drift in and out of sleep together. Sometimes I dream about the light in your eyes.
If anyone asks, this is where I’ll be for now. It’s ok. I know everything is right. We’ve got time to figure it out.
Me, your mom
p.s. Thank you all for your messages! We feel overwhelmed by your love and support!
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