October 17th, 2014
When I first thought the test was negative, I was sad. But when it changed to say that you were here, I cried to the mirror and told it I was scared. Maybe you heard all of this.
It didn’t feel right to celebrate yet. I had to be sure that you were real; that I shouldn’t play drinking games tomorrow with my friends; that we would name you something that would come before the last name we already shared; that I would dress you in jammies like I used to dress my dolls; that I would bring you around with me feeling like I couldn’t remember a time that you weren’t there; that we would put your small bed in our small room; that Scott and I were going to be your mom and dad forever. So I took two more tests that came up positive, then Googled “Faint lines on pregnancy test”, since that’s what they were. Google said that no matter how light the lines were, that a positive pregnancy test is a positive pregnancy test, just like a positive drug test is a positive drug test. When I looked at the other images of pregnancy tests online, I saw one that produced words, not lines, and feeling that this needed to be spelled out to me, I knew I needed that one.
The reason I took the test in the first place is because I checked the waves and they were crap, so I decided to go to the skatepark. But if you know anything about my skills as a skateboarder, you know I have the tendency to fall a lot and I’ve wanted to protect you from the start, so I decided to take the test to make sure I wouldn’t accidentally endanger you if you were here. We did not go to the skatepark, but instead to CVS to get the more conspicuous kind of test.
On the way there, I yelled inside of my car at some bikers to ride on the sidewalk if they were going to ride in the street so slowly! Then I started talking to you and decided that it was too weird. I told you that I felt that way only because I am weird and that you might suffer the same affliction yourself. Then I decided it might be best if I didn’t say anything at all.
At CVS, I purchased four more tests and walked up to the cashier all puffy eyed, dropping the handful of tests onto the conveyor belt. I realized then that I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring since I had planned to go surfing. The situation in front of the cashier must have appeared very different than it actually was in real life.
The new tests confirmed it. You were with me now and forever.
I called Scott at work. It was only 10:30 in the morning, but I asked him if he would come home. He said “I’m sorry love, I can’t. I have a lot to do today and a meeting at 3:00 p.m. Why?” And I said “I just miss you… Can you come home?” Which prompted him to ask “Is everything ok?” and I said “Yeah, I’m just driving. Sorry if I sound weird! I better go!” even though I was sitting on the couch in the living room. I was never planning to tell him over the phone.
I had a bunch of work to do on the computer, but instead I called our health care provider and another local counseling agency for moms and asked a million questions like “Is it ok use the microwave?” and “Can I wear deodorant?” and confessed that “Yesterday I cleaned our shower with Kaboom! I know it’s super poison because once I saw a spider three feet away curl up and die at the smell of it!” She told me some scary stuff about babies being born with their stomachs on the outside, but that you were probably fine. Then I went back to CVS to buy prenatal vitamins. I got the same cashier, so he definitely knew the outcome of the tests I purchased earlier. When I got back home I watched Friends and downloaded new apps for my phone with the word ‘baby’ in them until Scott, your dad, came home hours later.
There were suggestions online about how to share the news with your husband in a bunch of cute ways. ‘Stick a pregnancy test in a bun in the oven and tell your husband to take it out’, one suggested. But I couldn’t even fathom doing that. Instead, when your daddy came home he said, “What’s up?” and I said “Let me show you something I did today” and led him to a bunch of sticks I peed on sitting in close proximity to the sink he uses to brush his teeth. They were all positive. He cried before he said anything and then I did too because now it was time to celebrate you.
me– your mom (wow, this is still a little weird!)