Lately I have been thinking things I don’t want to think. I picture shaking myself upside down so I can dump all these thoughts out on the ground. But that’s not exactly how it works. I’m a cry it out, surf it away, write it down kind of person. So here’s the writing part…
I think my ego has gotten out of control.
I really, really need to finally read that book by Eckhart Tolle addressing this problem. I started listening to it on tape on a bus trip in New Zealand seven years ago because I thought it would be easier than reading it, but then I fell asleep and never tried again.
In an article I just read online Tolle says “Vanity and pride are what most of us tend to think of when we think of ego, but ego is much more than an overinflated sense of self. It can also turn up in feelings of inferiority or self-hatred because ego is any image you have of yourself that gives you a sense of identity — and that identity derives from the things you tell yourself and the things other people have been saying about you that you’ve decided to accept as truth.”
The other day I was pissed because I saw a four year old on instagram drop in on a bigger ramp than I can with my skateboard. Last week I told my mom I was worried people would be critical of my parenting skills to a baby that hasn’t even been conceived yet. Scott’s new job is working for my dad (something I do one day a week, too). Today they are out in the field together exploring behind the scenes aspects of the business. I am extremely happy for Scott. I also started wondering while I was microwaving lima beans if my dad likes hanging out with him more than me.