I feel it might be time to send summer a decent farewell. It’s pretty hot around here still and the water’s warm, but I know any day now I’ll wake to crisp air and cold waves and that will be fine too. It’s been hard for me to really process all the events that have graced our calendar this summer. I am hoping my fondness and appreciation for them will grow and surface again in time. I’m counting on fall to help me sort through it all. It’s been quite the busy summer, I know I’ve waxed about this at length, and I’ve honestly been rather apprehensive of the fact that this might just be how life is now that Scott and I have combined friends, families and schedules, but I’m hoping that with some cool weather and shorter, more structured days that a bit of solitude and calmness will return to our lives.
One of the best things that has ever happened to me happened this summer. We went to the Seychelles to celebrate my dad’s 60th birthday. That was awesome. He was stoked and our whole family really came together to not only celebrate my dad, but to celebrate each of our unique differences. Scott and I honored our two year wedding anniversary by camping down at San Onofre during a decent south swell, we worked on the house together a lot, visited the lake with Scott’s family and even went sailing with a wise neighbor-friend; friends came in and out of town and so did we. And all of this was lovely, it was more than that, it shaped us and brought us together, but with the highs of this season I like to call my favorite, the opposite is inevitable. It’s just the way life likes to be, I think. In all the commotion of driving here and flying there, there were times where I was left feeling like I wasn’t doing enough. Like I couldn’t be everything I wanted for everybody.
There was one day last week, last Saturday to be specific, where the confident side of my personality wasn’t prevailing and I gave in to my anxieties. In this moment it felt painfully obvious that I missed my sister’s birthday because I was out of town, I felt like I’d been a pretty angsty wife as a result of our over-booked schedule and after talking to my mom on the phone, I was pretty sure my whole family thought I was selfish (she called back and reassured me that wasn’t true).
Following all of this, I managed to get up (I was laying on the wood floor in our room cuddling my stuffed dragon) to drive myself in Scott’s old Volvo to Anaheim for my Great Aunt’s 92nd birthday (he took my car to Lake Mead for a bachelor party). About ten minutes into the drive the air conditioning stopped working and the thought of being in a hot moving metal oven caused me to immediately roll down all the windows to allow the 90º air to blow my hair around. Of course, this made it impossible for me to hear the music playing out of my i-phone sitting in the adjacent cup holder (the CD player is on the list of broken things too). And, because I felt that music was the only thing helping me keep it together in this moment, I moved my iphone from the cup holder to my shoulder and there it perched singing to me for the remainder of the drive.
Finally, after a few minutes of sitting sweat-soaked on faux sheepskin seat covers driving up the I-5, I pictured what I looked like and started laughing (which probably made me look even crazier!) and I could feel the bright spots in my life again; the humor, the love, and the things I haven’t totally screwed up this summer. Sometimes you just need to feel like you are doing something right and in some heat-induced state of delirium I felt I was. I was trying. And sometimes, that’s all you can do. Life is short, life is funny, life is tough, but you just have to keep going. We all know this on some level, but you just have to do it; find the good and keep on moving forward. As my mom says “don’t worry so much, it’s only life.”
(one of the songs I was listening to in the volvo that day and all summer)
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