Truth is, I told Scott right before we left that I figured I’ve been having a mild anxiety attack ever since we got back from our trip. And when I put these things down in writing, I really realize how dramatic I can be. It’s just, we’ve been busy. Good busy. Friends and family and special occasions and traveling kind of busy, but busy nevertheless. Even most of my surf sessions have been so crowded that I start wondering while I’m out there if the ocean actually has a maximum capacity. The control I like to think I have over myself slowly slips away when I don’t get some time to myself.
In fact, I think I was in what I call Everybody Leave Me Alone Mode before we even left for the lake. That’s never a good state to be in before a family vacation now, is it?
After the U.S. Open, which is a cluster cuss if I ever saw one, we drove to Lake Nacimiento. On our way there I had to stop at the store to pick up some women’s essentials. My father-in-law ran in to the store to buy something too. As luck would have it, he was buying a can of Parmesan cheese right at the same time I was buying tampons, but his line was faster because some dummy in front of me couldn’t find his credit card (sorry it was that time of the month!). So my father-in-law waited for me to buy tampons. Just what every girl wants to endure. But, you know, it’s life and it was pretty sweet of him, really. Maybe he didn’t even know that’s what I was doing, but now he will since he reads this blog (I know, that’s pretty sweet too).
After some wakeboarding and a nice dinner, I woke the next morning at 4:30 a.m. because it was hot in my sleeping bag, but cold on my shoulders and my thoughts wouldn’t let me go back to sleep again. I finally I got up at five and sought what I needed. I went on an adventure alone while everyone was sleeping. And of course after I wandered through the lakeside neighborhood and found myself standing on a cliff watching the sun slowly arrive over the hills, I missed my Scott and wished he was there to see it, but in so many other ways this was exactly what my summer was lacking.
I’ve always been so independent, relating most to movie characters like Harriet the Spy, Matilda and Vada from My Girl and I need time to explore the world on my own almost as much as I need time discovering it with other people. I needed to take risks (there were coyotes!) and write in my journal and find my way on my own, just like that summer I duct taped a tape player to my bike like the girls from Now and Then and rode to Subway (and now you have a complete list of my favorite childhood movies).
The sunrise was gorgeous; like nothing I’ve ever seen by the ocean. The blazing sun swallowing the cool low clouds to shed light on the mourning doves and oak trees; pushing the dew from the rooftops to the rain gutters (and hopefully scaring away the coyotes). But even that wasn’t the point either. It wasn’t really about what I found while I was on this solo mission, it was just that I had one. I needed to rekindle that part of summer I had let lay dormant thus far, to release that “mild anxiety”, but at least this time I had Scott to come home to.